Never let me go
by Its-real-to-us
Summary: If you have just lost the love of his life, the one person who meant the most to you in the world you would do anything to bring them back, even if it means changing this world forever. Follow Dan as he is consumed by his grief and learns that, despite all that can happen, he will never truly let him go. Dan/Phil chaptered fan fiction!
1. Prologue

**Hiya everyone, welcome to my second chaptered fan fiction! YAY! I am still very new to writing fan fiction, having only started writing my first one entitled "What does not kill us makes us stronger" a few weeks ago (which you should definitely check out), so please be gentle. Anyways, this is very different to that one...it is going to be alot sadder as I wanted to write a story about how someone would grieve and how, through a series of events, they learn that they have never truly lost that person (cheerful I know)**

**Pairing - PHAN (even-though it is not necessarily be real, their relationship provides me with a brilliant chemistry that gives me lots of fictional inspiration)**

**Warning - will be quite sad at times, lotsa feelz...**

**Disclaimer - I do not own any of the characters in this story and the opinions and scenarios expressed are entirely fictional. **

**So, strap yourselves in for (hopefully) an emotional roller coaster that will have you reaching for the tissues and possibly a defibrillator (if you suffer from feelz) **

**Prologue - His last vow...**

**Dan POV:**

"Please! There must be something you can do," I cry, a waterfall of tears cascading from my drowning eyes. "Oh god, no…help him!" I pound my fists against the glass of the ICU unit; my love fading in front of my eyes.

"Sir, please, they are doing everything they can, you must understand," the short, stocky nurse assured, attempting to pull me away from the window; attempting to pull my gaze from him. _Please…god, if you are up there…please save him… _

"PHIIIIIIIIIIL! Please! What are you doing to him….save him!" I scream, the lump in my throat choking me. I turn frantic and rush towards the doors, but PJ grabs onto my shoulders, paralyzing me. "What are you doing? Let go of me! I have to see him…I have to help him…it's my fault…PLEASE!" My desperate cries turn to pained wails as I am pulled from the doors, my arms flailing at the door handles.

"Dan, stop, there is nothing you can do, let the doctors do their jobs!" he insists, releasing his grip from my arms, giving me a stern, but sorrowful expression. I return to my post at the window; the icy cold glass stinging my burning face. I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that this isn't the end, that he can still fight.

_I can't do this on my own…_ _Why does it have to be this way? Please don't leave me…I was supposed to spend eternity with you. We were supposed to walk the steps of heaven together, hand in hand, after a lifetime of devotion and passion, emphasized through your deep blue eyes. We have been through so much; the hate, the discrimination; the fear, the frustration, but we still made it…we made it my darling...Please don't let our journey be over; there is still so much history that is yet to be written; still so much poetry…our sonnet cannot be over…not now…not ever…._

I hear the monotone beep and my world stops. _Flat line…_

My eyes are ripped out and my lungs are torched; that fiery passion in my soul extinguished, leaving me cold; my legs are broken and my throat burns. A sorrowful crescendo escapes my lips as I crumble to my knees; swallowed by the ground beneath me. _No…No…NO!_

"PHIIIIIIIL!" I wail, my tears like acid, burning my cheeks. I haul my broken form from the cold ground, pulling myself into the gates of hell, the dark silhouettes behind me not bothering to stop me this time. "No….y-you b-astards…you MURDERERS!" I scream, as my feel my insides being scalded by the sight before me.

"Please, we tried everything we could, but his injuries were far too severe, there was nothing we could do," I hear one of the doctors recite, his voice cold and methodical, before they all skulk out of the room, like the grim reapers they are. I run to my loves bedside, his body lifeless; the colors of life drained from him as I take hold of his hand for the last time.

"Why…Phil, you had so much to look forward to…w-we had so much to look forward to," I weep. "Please…please don't leave me…I can't do this alone…" I trail off, burying my head into his chest, muffling my cries.

"D-Dan? Is he…" I lift my head slightly, making out the silhouette of PJ at the door. I shake my head, my face pulled into a grimace of grief as I break down. I see PJ put his hand over his gaping mouth as a stream of tears stain his cheeks, before he makes his way towards me, placing a comforting hand on my quivering shoulders.

"W-Why…w-why PJ?" I sob turning to face him; his eyes reflecting my own sorrow and pain; my mind a tornado of stumbling phrases and empty words of worry.

"I-I…," he mumbles before pulling me into a tight embrace, sharing his grief with my own; swirling our sorrow together to muffle out the deafening silence that has replaced the chorus of machinery; the machinery that signaled that my flame was still burning. Gone.

I glance back over to Phil, my Phil, the brilliance of his once blue eyes replaced by a sickening grey; the crimson in his smile dulled; faded into a pale white. _I can't do this…this cannot be..._ I pull away from PJ and pull myself onto the bed to lie for the last time next to my love. Pulling his still body closer and wrapping my arms around him, resting his head on my chest; my heart no longer is beating along to his. I press my lips to his forehead one last time; silent tears still falling. I take in his touch; his scent; the feeling of his skin against mine for the final time. _The last time._

"I love you…forever and always my love"

The screen fades to black and the credits roll; for even though there is still breath in my body, I am not living anymore…

**...well that escalated quickly...**

**Please feel free to leave a review as I am open to constructive criticism (plus it would be nice to have someone to talk to :) I am hoping to make this quite a long fan fiction...get ready for chapter 1...**


	2. Chapter 1 - I'm coming for you darling

**Hello everyone, so I am finally updating my second fan-fiction. YAY! Sorry for the delay, but what with a holiday for a week (with no wifi!), updating my other story and procrastination, procrastination, procrastination, I haven't had time. Anyway enjoy! **

**Warning - Lots and lotsa sadness/ attempted suicide (cheerful I know :P)**

_I hear the rain chant against the dilapidated roof of the bus shelter; the tiny droplets of water piercing the fractured glass. The wind whistles at the growling sky as the flashes grow brighter. Skin soaked; mood dampened, I carelessly stare onto the grey, swirling street. Temperature dropping, fingers numb, I drum a careless rhythm against my side, annoyance at my delayed mode of transport growing as loud as the storm itself. That's when I see you. Your deep blue eyes drowned by raindrops; your jet black hair sagging under the weight of the wind. You look up only briefly and I feel the skies clear; I feel the wind lift me as its howl is dulled to a tuneful whistle. The light of the storm illuminating your features like an angel. I feel like Icarus as he approached the sun, your brightness so luminous; so beautiful, the warmth a world away from the cold I feel within. You smile that childlike grin of yours and my heart flips; my wings spread wide as I approach you. The heat is so intense; I do not care that it burns. I do not care that you are breaking me down; tugging at my useless wax wings so that I will fall. That does not matter now, for I am still grinning wildly as I embrace the plummeting weightlessness. For I know that when I hit the ground, I will be at peace with you….._

My eyes fly open and my breath catches in my throat as I am engulfed by darkness. The silence is deafening as I rub my clammy hand over my temples, signalling the futility of my dream. I glance fleetingly at my alarm clock; it's neon glare indicating the early hours of the morning. A groan escapes my quivering lips as I turn to face the space that once held you; emptiness filling the air that you once breathed; dust clouding my view of your once vibrant blue eyes. A stream of tears escape my tired eyes as I sit up slowly, resting my head on my headrest; the cold soothing me.

I stare blindly into the darkness, the ethereal quietness screaming at me as my mind twists and turns to the ear-splitting harmonies of the last few months. Funeral bells and final farewells attempt to swallow me. Sometimes I wish it would just take me; release me from this hell on earth. There is nothing left for me anymore; I have lost the one thing that matters to me and now I have no purpose. Why can no-one understand me? It is like I am screaming out a language that no-one understands.

I can't live a lifetime of broken cliches. _"It gets better with time"_ is the pretentious drivel they spout these days. _Bullshit!_ Allowing more time only allows the hurt to break you down further. Why can no-one understand? I don't want it to get better. I don't want to move on. I shouldn't have to. All I want is you and no number of empty promises can ever change that.

I haul myself up from my bed, a useless attempt to get my broken body to work. Like removing the engine from the car, the flame from the fire, my purpose can no longer be complete. Dragging my shaking legs underneath me, the friction from the floor beneath me pulling me down, I make it to apartment living room. The emptiness still astounds me.

I stare out onto the bleak streets of London; the streetlamps like constellations glinting in the distance. Pressing my forehead against the icy window I attempt to gather my thoughts into some form of sanity; but you took that with you when you left – when you tore out my heart and reduced your entire life to a short, pixelated straight line. I want to scream at you; punch your stupid face, curse you for deserting me and taking my happiness with you.

When you left you took our flame with you and now you have left me cold; with nothing but the ashes to cling to – but these ashes catch in my throat; choke me; make every breath I take a relentless struggle. I pound my shaking fist against the glass as more tears escape and disappear. _If only it was that simple for me…_

Dragging my dead weight throughout the apartment for what seems like an eternity, my mind cannot comprehend life anymore. The unfamiliarity, the loneliness, I didn't want any of it any more. I am tired of struggling. I want to be at peace just like you. I want to drown in the deep blue of your eyes again and feel my heart race with passionate affection once more. An eternity of darkness with you is better than a lifetime in the lonely light that burns. I finally make it to the kitchen; it's clinical cleanliness a striking resemblance to the bland hospital walls, causing me to shudder violently. My eyes dart around the room; I needed to find something to stop the hurt. Anything.

My eyes rest on a small white bottle on the pristine worktop, nestled behind a photograph of you and me. We looked so happy there; on our wedding day; soon my love, soon. I grab the bottle with a vigour that I have not experienced since you left. The label read sleeping pills and my lips immediately curved into a small, sad smile. My eyes darted over the small print. **Take one per night to assist in sleeping. **_Maybe if I took the lot, my sleep would be permanent. _

I tear open the lid; my fingers suddenly shaking with urgency as I tip several of the small, white pills onto my palm. Closing my eyes to take in the blissful silence, a tiny teardrop rolls down my cheek as I remember the day you left me. You took my soul from me that day Phil Lester and now I am coming to take it back. I gulp down the pills and immediately the dizziness starts. I sway slightly, like a dead horse on its feet as I feel the so familiar warmth of the sun return to my heart as I crumble into darkness.

_I'm coming for you darling_, I think as I spread my wings and take flight into our eternal horizon…

**...*sniffs***

**Please feel free to review if you enjoyed it! **


	3. Chapter 2 - Alive, but not living

**Hello everyone, here's chapter 2. YAY! I know it's kinda rubbish and is sort of a short filler chapter, but I wanted to introduce PJ more...ugh, I know it's terrible but I had a bit of writers block, but don't worry, hopefully my next chapters will be better :) Also, I'm planning on making this quite a long fanfiction i.e. more than 15 chapters so yeah, hopefully you won't get bored. **

**Dan POV:**

_Darkness…nothing but darkness…endless night…my body drowning in a sea of blackness…My eyes fumble aimlessly in confusion and fear at my blindness and yet a twinge of joy conflicts. Have I finally made it to you my dear? Have I finally escaped the torturous hell on earth without you? Yet, I cannot be in heaven as I cannot see you…is this purgatory? Am I awaiting judgement by a higher power? I don't care! As long as I get to spend it with you…_

"Dan, can you hear me-"

_I try to picture what heaven must be like. Not fluffy clouds and pearly gates or serenades by angels clutching harps, but something more meaningful; more ethereal; a place of lost futures and shared pasts invigorated by the love that can only be sparked at their meeting. At least that's what it would mean to me…_

"Dan, please, please wake up-"

_My blundering ceases and the monochrome shadows begin to form bright silhouettes before me. I hold my breath in anticipation and my heart races…This is it…I'm coming for you…_

"Doctor! Doctor! He's opening his eyes, he's waking up!"

_I open my eyes; my heart skipping as the silhouettes form shapes into a figure in front of me…it has to be you…it must be you…please speak to me…I'm in heaven aren't I…_

"Phil…Phil, is that you?" I choke out, my voice fractured by my own giddiness at the thought of seeing those cerulean orbs once again. "…Phil?" _Talk to me…please, god…let me hear your voice once again…_

"No, this is not Phil, I am Dr Lord, can you unders-" My heart shatters and my eyes widen as my vision clears at the figure before me; my chest tightens and my pulse stops. Phil!? No, this can't be happening. I am not in heaven; God has sealed my fate with his single decision…he has sent me to hell…

**PJ POV:**

I cannot believe I let this happen. _I'm sorry Dan, I'm so sorry. _I was supposed to take care of you, just like I promised Phil in his final hours. I still find it difficult to believe that I will never see him again; never hear him laugh at one of my corny one liners or see him crack the dorkiest smile in the entire universe. I look over at his lifeless form and a small tear escapes my bleary eyes. I have been at the hospital for over three weeks now and my heart still breaks whenever I see him. Overdose. That's how he did it. If only life was ever that easy.

As much as you try to console someone after the death of someone they love; you cannot help but see the pain in their eyes whenever you mention their name or whenever a trinket of theirs is discovered. Dan went through the stages of grief so very quickly; however he never managed to reach acceptance. The depression is killing him; but, to be honest, I cannot blame him. Phil was everything to him and they were inseparable. Through thick and thin they battled on; through the hate and discrimination of their homophobic parents. I guess they finally got their wish. I feel anger build up inside me as I picture their faces, grinning wildly at them being ripped apart – they didn't even go to the funeral, which broke Dan even more. How could you ever hate someone over something they cannot change?

I grasp Dan's cold hand tightly as I will him to wake up. I wish he hadn't given in; in his moment of sheer weakness. He's living life for the both of them now and I wish he could see that. _Dan, you're a fighter, come on, you've been through so much and Phil would be so proud of you; please don't give up…_

Glancing over at Dans peaceful face, I lean forward and whisper quietly to him; the doctors insisting that this will help him wake up.

"Dan, can you hear me?"

I sigh at his unresponsiveness; praying silently that he hasn't given up on them both.

"Dan, please, please wake up,"

My heart sinks once again – I should be used to this by now. I squeeze my best friend's hand; as if to try and transfer my warmth to him, in the hope that this will encourage him to keep on living. As selfish as it sounds, I don't want him to die as, despite his pain and heartbreak, I need him. _Phil was one of my closest friends too and I cannot lose you as well. I miss him just as much as you do and yet I'm not giving up. Do you think you're the only one who's hurting right now? Do you think you're the only one whose heart is ripped out every time you go to make three cups of tea and realise you now only need two teabags or realise that the stupid, childish "Rawr!" whenever your best friend greets you is now just a figment of your imagination? I loved him just as much as you do and I'll be damned if you're going to leave me too. _

I wipe the stream tears from my cheeks as I try to control the conflict in my head. Anger at his cowardice and concern for him rages every minute I spend here. I close my eyes for a second when I feel a slight shift of the bed beside me, causing me to jump from my seat. I stare, gawking, when I notice him try to open his eyes. My heart leaps as I call out to the doctor busying himself behind me, as if it was now or never.

"Doctor! Doctor! He's opening his eyes, he's waking up!" I gasp; gesturing the middle aged, balding medical professional over to the bed; his eyebrows furrowed in an expression of disbelief. I step aside for him to do a job; my heart pounding in my chest.

"Phil…Phil, is that you?" he mumbles, a punch-like pain knotting my insides, bringing back all of my grief as if it was only yesterday that Phil was taken from us. "Phil,"

""No, this is not Phil, I am Dr Lord, can you understand me," the doctor asks, shining a medical torch in his eyes, in a rather aggressive fashion if you ask me.

"What is this?! Get away from me…Phil! Phil!" he shouts, disorientated, and I cannot help the tidal wave of tears streaming down my face.

"Mr Howell, calm down, I need t-"

"No, no! Get off me! This isn't real, I shouldn't be here….PHIL!" he cries, his arms flailing like a frightened child, before letting out a heart wrenching sob that breaks my heart, causing me to rush to his side.

"Dan, calm down, please, you know what happened to Phil…please Dan, calm down, we only want to help you," I plead, my hand protectively on his shoulder as I try to sooth him. "Sir, could you let me calm him down before you do anything" I plead to the doctor, who looks at me annoyed; nodding as he backs off slightly. "Dan, listen to me, you need to calm down, ok.

"I can't be here; I shouldn't be here, why am I not with him," he pleads, looking at me with eyes of a terrified child; his breath hitching as his sobs continue.

"Dan…I…," I try to speak; but the lump in my throat chokes me; only allowing my voice out in short; abrupt sobs. I look into his deep brown eyes; as if to tell him in ways that words never could. He turns on his side; tucking his legs into his chest and continues to sob quietly.

"No…no…Phil…I…," he mumbles into his pillow. I turn away for a brief moment; unable to take the sight before me. _He looks just like…when he…Stay together PJ!_

I walk over to the doctor at the back of the room; his eyes glassy at the sight before him. I know doctors must have a degree of desensitization when it comes to grieving patients, yet even the hardest of hearts would break at this sight.

"I think he just needs some time, do you mind if he has an hour or so to gather himself; he doesn't appear to be in pain or anything," I plead. _Well, physical pain at least. _

"I suppose so, I really shouldn't leave him but, as long as you call for me if anything happens. I'll be back in an hour to review his condition," he explains, an edge of sympathy in his voice.

"Thank you ever so much...um, Dr Lord," I thank sincerely.

"Please, call me Anthony," he smiles sadly. "You know, I know exactly how he is feeling…I, um, lost someone very dear to me many years ago; my wife Helen. She was everything to me and I presume this Phil was to Mr Howell"

"Oh I'm so sorry, yeah, Phil was everything to Dan…well, he was everything to anyone who met him," I smile sadly; the thought of him threatening my tears to spill again. "Thank you for being so understanding,"

"Don't worry about it," he assures. "I know doctors are supposed to keep a strict poker face and remain professional at all times but, sometimes, you have to remember that these are real people; not patients, with real emotions; real grief," I smile gratefully at him before he quietly exits the room. Sighing internally, I make my way back over Dan and place a comforting hand on his shaking form. _I know your hurting Dan, but tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart and Phil, wherever he is, would love you forever for it. _

**Please feel free to review and follow...if you still want to...**


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